House of Krause

I find my self a bit confused. I started blogging to relate and talk to other people about their childrens struggles with Apraxia.  It started as a way to express my feelings, get out my emotions, tell our story and try to help other people. Now I am stumped because I wonder just how honest I can be. I do not blog to put on a show. Can I continue to pour out my emotions about how this feels? Right now it does not feel so good. I don’t feel so positive. I feel sad. Sad because I can not fix this for my son. It breaks my heart into a million pieces to watch him studder and grope for words when he’s really worked up about something. It feels terrible to hold him in my arms while he melts  because he understands every word I am saying but I have no idea what he is saying back(and he knows it). Things the average three year old does not even give a second thought about. Wonderful carefree words just slide out of the mouth. For Luke and other children with Apraxia this is the greatest struggle. How frustrating this must feel. I see some changes happening with Luke. I know it is not him, it is his struggle that is changing him. It’s much easier to just tell a friendly face “GO!” then to explain how school was. It’s easier to just scream “NO!” then to tell your sister you want her to please stop because she’s bothering you. I have spent the day replaying in my mind, the little quivering voice who told me last night, ” I talk, but I no talk.” Luke feels no pressure with me, most everyone else equals PRESSURE! Questions require an answer. Answers are hard to come up with. This is a tricky fight.  Luke has really come  a long way, no doubt about that. But there are still those days and those times that are really rough. He is getting older now, he is understanding so much more. We have a long road ahead of us. I guess  sometimes I just want to take off the gloves and get out of the fight.