House of Krause

Meet two new members in the house of Krause. Two sweet budgies. So funny their personalities are very different. Frances, she’s the blue one, sweet, quiet, content.

Robert (aka Bob) is the green guy. A wild child, brave, crazy, and curious! How do I know they are boy and girl? Male parakeets have blue or purplish rims at the top of their beaks. Funny, females have pink or tan at the top of theirs. If you notice we got a boy and a girl in hopes of baby birds. We’ll see if we got it right. They seem to really like each other so far.

Lily celebrated her 8th birthday. We surprised her with two birds. She was so excited. She kept hugging me saying, thank you, I can’t believe you did this! She is still warming up to them. I think she’s afraid they are going to nip her and everyone squeals when they fly around the room. There’s no telling where they’ll land. Maybe on your head.

They’re super fun pets for the kids. Some one else is the house is completely taken by them…

No fear, not afraid at all to put them on his shoulder or his head. Gives them kisses all the time. They tickle his cheek.

I am a firm believer in the positive effect animals have with children. I’m also taken by them. Two simple little birds, but they are something beautiful and something different. I love to hear them tweet in the morning. Reminds me that life is still sweet!

Every living thing on this planet comes from God with a purpose. I think it’s amazing, Luke is trying all day to talk to the birds. I never thought of it before. I may have considered birds sooner. Children feel no pressure from animals. There is no expectations. The birds can’t talk, Luke thinks he can teach them. How wonderful, suddenly he has the power to help. He sits by the cage and mimics the sounds they make. This is great therapy!

Lily is enjoying being 8 and the new life that consumes her room.

Happy Birthday Lily!

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I know I’ve mentioned it before, but did you know there are dogs that are specifically trained for children with Apraxia. Service dogs are trained for all kinds of special needs. It warms my heart to see what amazing things animals can do for people.

Paws for Ability

One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. That’s what I keep telling myself.  I really am trying. Saying you’ll go on is one thing, learning how to do it is another. I miss her every minute, every second of the day. They say things will get easier, I’m not sure how that works. The longer she’s gone the more I miss her. I’m surprised I’ve found my way to the blog. I’ve sat down so many times and tried to write. I sit, then walk away.  I just can’t.

My little Luke has taken the loss of his Nana the hardest. I suppose it’s because he was the one who spent the most time with her and was probably the closest to her. We would visit her morning, noon, and night while she was sick. I know I have posted many times about our trips to speech therapy. She was such a supporter of his hard work at speech. She always told him he would be a preacher boy someday and she would sit in the front row! Luke looks for her in the clouds and tries to see her hanging on the moon at night.  It is very difficult to explain heaven and eternity to a little boy whose three. He has been so compassionate. He’s held my face day after day and told me it would be o.k, I’ll see her again one day in heaven. But some how as time goes by and she doesn’t come back, he’s bitter. There was nights when he cried all night long. Now he says, heavens mean… Gods mean…He took my Nana. I’ve learned children certainly go though grief just like adults. Sadness, anger, denial, all of it! Breaks my heart when he looks at me and says, here I go again, I’m gonna cry now. It’s been really hard.

God is the healer of broken hearts and I have learned many lessons from my mother. I am so amazed that even in her death she still continues to teach me every day. Oh how life has changed in such profound ways. All those little sayings you hear all your life suddenly apply like never before.  Life is precious… Life is short, fragile, so fleeting… Take time to smell the roses… Certain things stand out to me. The things I remember and replay my mind all the time are times when I was very young. Moments when I was just a little girl, laying my head on her chest listening to heart beat, hearing her voice talking. Things that as a mother you may not think your kids will remember about you by.  No fancy dinners, no big birthday presents, no over the top Christmases, just her. Just the lull of her voice and the warmth of her heart. That’s what I think of.  Though there are many feelings I am looking forward to someday leaving in the past, I hope many feelings will always stay with me. I am no longer rushing for ANYTHING! I wonder all the time, what I was ever rushing to before. Life goes fast, children grow up too quickly.  Now I laugh, where was I going? Why was I ever in a hurry? Life has become right here, right now. Moments have become my treasures, my heaven on earth.  I walk around at my mothers cemetery and it hits me again , life is fleeting. I read the head stones and realize, that one was only five, that one two, another sixteen, one gone at twenty. Each day is precious for all of us.

Anyhow, I am missing sharing here on the blog and connecting with you! Despite heart break, Luke continues to make progress. It has been hard for him to sit still and focus at therapy. He figures out ways to be silly and tries to find ways to avoid things that are difficult.  I praise his awesome SLP for helping him and always thinking outside the box. Megan plans things out so he can do activities that allow him to get out of his seat. Last week she hid cards all over the room and Luke had to find them. He thought this was so fun. When he found the cards he would bring them over to her, after he practiced his words, he got to look for more. They have also had fun playing minute golf and Elefun.  He recently retested with the Kaufman Speech Praxis test. It was wonderful to just sit back and listen to him zip through sounds with such ease. We were able to video, so I hope to share it with you soon. Luke keeps us all laughing. He has a wonderful sense of humor. I am so grateful he can share what’s on his mind now. I’m going to sign off for now. The new picture in the top frame is my three loves signing “Jesus love me!” It’s a little hard to see. Lily is making the sign for “Jesus”, which is finger pointing to the middle of the palm. This represents the nails in Jesus hands. My Pres in the middle is the “LOVE”. Then there’s little Luke, “ME”. Here, I’ll put the full picture in so you can see it.

Lot’s of Love-Jen

with children who have Apraxia.

Click here to go apraxia-kids.org

3/10/10

I sit here now next to my mother. It is quiet as can be. The only thing I hear is the ticking of the clock and the lull of the cars from the busy street behind her house. Every now and then I hear her breath. Her hair is almost completely gone now. I can see her scalp and a handful of tiny sparkles that remain from her surprise birthday party yesterday. In my heart I know it will be her last. Her skin is very pale. She is calm and peaceful for now.  I already feel the loss of the mother she once was….

I don’t know where to start. I’m not sure what stories I will ever be able to tell. From the time it all began, the feeling of shock and disbelief, learning of her cancer. Trips in and out of the hospital. Her bravery, her courage. Arriving at the cancer hospital early in the morning. Watching the rush of every kind of person. Young, old, and all ages in between. Every race and every personality, cancer leaves no one behind. Leaving the hospital late at night, when there wasn’t a soul to be found. All gone home. Done with their fight for the day. The once bubbling fountain turned off for the night. A peaceful eerie quiet, knowing tomorrow the people will be back fighting for another day. How quickly this all happened. A few weeks ago my mother was walking, she could run if she tried . Now we push her in a wheelchair. We bathe her. We feed her, the one or two bites she can stomach.  It’s so hard to believe. I’ve hung on every word she’s said. I’ve laughed with her until I cried. I’ve made promises. I’ve asked for forgiveness. I’ve said everything I could, but know it will never be enough. Everyday I think this has got to be the hardest day. Honestly I know the day that will be…

3/21/10

Unfortunately six days after I wrote, my mother passed.  Tuesday the 16th of March, two hours before her 66 birthday she was gone. I had the honor of being with her during her final moments. I am so stricken with grief, it’s indescribable.  I want to talk about her constantly.  I can’t get her off my mind for a second. To the point I feel I might go insane. I dream of her all night long. I picture her face. I hear her voice. She meant so many things to me. She was my mother, my supporter, my confidant, my best friend. Finding my life with out her in it seems impossible.

Anyone who ever knew my mother loved her. She was a person unlike any other. She had a heart of gold, and she wore it right on her sleeve. She had a warmth and a way to bring you right in. She was like something warm when the night was cold. She never had a bad mood in her life. Never raised her voice. Loved everyone. She was someone who cared for the hurting. She never hesitated help the homeless.  She always found a way to invite you in, make you feel special. Her spirit was in one accord with Christ. She did not judge. She did not point out weakness. Instead she prayed. She had a true spirit of understanding. Understanding that people are only human. We all fail. We all make mistakes. She loved you even more then. Always gave a shoulder to cry on, and an ear that would listen. She had a zest for life. She found wonder in Gods creation.  She marveled in the beauty of flowers.  She was amazed with Gods intricate designs and endless creations. She would say, wow Jen, look at that, isn’t it awesome what God has done!

Yes, It is amazing what God had done, she was really something!

Tomorrow I will say goodbye to the one who brought me into this world. Gave me life. Gave me a name. Taught me what it meant to be a mother. This will be the hardest day of my life. My mom asked me to keep many promises. One of them was to continue reaching out, and I will.  I am asking for prayer in the weeks ahead for my family…

In His Glory Shine Mama!

I will find you in everything beautiful. I’ll miss you everyday. I will love you forever…

Your baby,

Jenny

It’s hard to describe the pain that I am feeling. It’s like a nightmare. Everyday I wake up and think it was just a bad dream, only to realize the pain and anguish is still there. After last weeks tests we got word from the doctor. My mother has stage four lung cancer. The cancer has now taken over her entire right lung and has spread to the center of her chest (sternum), now it is infiltrating her left lung.  It has spread to her pelvis and possibly her bones. She is having a bone scan done today. Her illness is incurable. She has decided to still undergo chemotherapy to hopefully reduce her coughing and allow her to breathe easier. She has also volunteered at the City of Hope for an experimental treatment.

Seems these days there are ribbons for everything.  They come in every possible color. Honestly, it is impossible for them to have much meaning to you until they pin one on you. They give you your color and then you know this is what you are facing. This is the road you will travel on. This is the ribbon for your mother’s cancer.  Lung cancer is pearl. So fitting for a women who is the self proclaimed Queen! The feeling is so overwhelming. It is a feeling that hits you so hard, it feels as though your legs will collapse right under you and your body will drop to the floor.

As always my mom remains a great source of strength to me. Amazing when she is the one who is sick. She is certain that God has a perfect plan in mind for her life. She puts all of her trust and complete faith in Him.  Despite her weakness she remains so strong!

I think back to all the hours my mom and I spent driving Luke to speech therapy. Sometimes we talked ourselves silly. I complained about the long drive. I find myself wishing the drive had been longer. I find myself lingering in moments. I find myself rushing for nothing. I find myself hugging longer and holding tighter. At the same time I find myself angry. I find myself distant. I find nothing to be funny.  I find myself questioning everything and unable to come up with a single answer.  I find myself wondering how I will ever be able to deal with this. I once again find myself in a place I have never been before.  Again I am asking God, Why here??

It’s been the worst week of my life. Please pray for my mama. We just found out she has lung cancer. She is so very sick and in the hospital.  I doubt I will be on my blog for a while. I hope I will be able write again and continue to share soon. For now I am asking for prayers. I hope you will take time to call someone you love and tell them how much they mean to you. This all happened so fast. I am so close to my mom. She is my best friend. She is the best mom anyone could ever ask for. I have been so blessed. Thank you my friends!

Love,

Jen

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome To Holland”.

“Holland?!?” you say, “What do you mean “Holland”??? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills…Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy…and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned”.

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away…because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But…if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things…about Holland.

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Last night my cousin and I walked through a thrift store.  It was late and the girls at the counter told us, “Three minutes, stores closing!”  We had a quick look around. Yes there was plenty of STUFF. Old curling irons, stuffed animals, vases, my cousin even saw a cross that she said looked exactly like the one she had put in her fathers casket when he died. I was just kind of wondering around. I walked by the shoes and noticed a pair of  beautiful hand painted wooden shoes from Holland. They stopped me in my tracks for a minute because I remembered this story. A friend of mine sent it to me about a year ago.  We were both beginning our journey to some where we had never been before.  I left the wooden shoes on the shelf but thought about them all night long.  I thought about the shoes, I thought about the people. I thought about the people that were on their way to Holland long before we ever arrived.  The people who traveled there on purpose, so when a blond little three year old boy and his scarred family got off the plane, they would be there with open arms and a map. They didn’t know our names but they were sure we would be coming.  I thought about my friend, she was on the same plane, but we wouldn’t find each other until we both arrived. I thought about the dear people that paid for our hotel room and gave us the hope that maybe someday we would make it home.

I had to go back this morning and buy those little wooden shoes from Holland. I had to buy them because I never want to forget this journey.  We can see things and meet people in life that inspire us and warm our hearts but if we don’t allow them to really change us, then it’s all in vain. I think “Welcome to Holland” speaks to people across the board whether you have a child with special needs or you are facing other challenges in life. We all have a plane to catch. We all end up in places we never dreamed of going.

Luke and I took the little wooden shoes up to the counter. They lady said, “Hmmm, little wooden shoes?” and I said, “Yes please, little wooden shoes for me!”

Jeremiah 29:11

It’s been raining, and raining , and raining. Time to pull out my moms old home made play dough recipe. The kids love making it. They pick their own colors, and enjoy being a part of the whole process. Here is a very simple recipe for home made play dough;

1 Cup flour

1/2 Cup salt

2 Tsp. cream of tartar

ADD

1 Cup water

1 Tbsp. vegetable oil

Few drops of food coloring

Cook for 3 minutes in a sauce pan -Stirring constantly.

Easy as that. Throw it all together. Makes really great play dough!

Here’s one more easy peasy recipe for yummy banana bread;

2-3 Bananas

1 Cup Sugar

1/4 Cup of butter or margarine

1 Egg

1 Tsp. baking soda

1 Pinch Salt

1 3/4 Cup Flour

1 Tsp. vanilla

Mix all dry ingredients together first, add remaining.

Bake in loaf pan, 350*- Approximately 1 hour.

Unfortunately no, just another bed destroyed by Miss Penny. Some one help! When will the destruction end?

again. One of my most frequently searched posts was about home made flash cards. Very simple to do. Our home made flashcards are just snapped pictures of things in Luke’s world. Visuals of items can be very effective for learning words. I had Luke’s speech therapist breakdown the words in the most minimal way on up to two word phrases. Here’s more on homemade flashcards and ways to break words down.

I know, gross a flashcard of our toilet. But this is an important word for a toddler who needs to be able to communicate, I have to go potty!