One foot in front of the other
Tuesday, April 27th, 2010One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. That’s what I keep telling myself. I really am trying. Saying you’ll go on is one thing, learning how to do it is another. I miss her every minute, every second of the day. They say things will get easier, I’m not sure how that works. The longer she’s gone the more I miss her. I’m surprised I’ve found my way to the blog. I’ve sat down so many times and tried to write. I sit, then walk away. I just can’t.
My little Luke has taken the loss of his Nana the hardest. I suppose it’s because he was the one who spent the most time with her and was probably the closest to her. We would visit her morning, noon, and night while she was sick. I know I have posted many times about our trips to speech therapy. She was such a supporter of his hard work at speech. She always told him he would be a preacher boy someday and she would sit in the front row! Luke looks for her in the clouds and tries to see her hanging on the moon at night. It is very difficult to explain heaven and eternity to a little boy whose three. He has been so compassionate. He’s held my face day after day and told me it would be o.k, I’ll see her again one day in heaven. But some how as time goes by and she doesn’t come back, he’s bitter. There was nights when he cried all night long. Now he says, heavens mean… Gods mean…He took my Nana. I’ve learned children certainly go though grief just like adults. Sadness, anger, denial, all of it! Breaks my heart when he looks at me and says, here I go again, I’m gonna cry now. It’s been really hard.
God is the healer of broken hearts and I have learned many lessons from my mother. I am so amazed that even in her death she still continues to teach me every day. Oh how life has changed in such profound ways. All those little sayings you hear all your life suddenly apply like never before. Life is precious… Life is short, fragile, so fleeting… Take time to smell the roses… Certain things stand out to me. The things I remember and replay my mind all the time are times when I was very young. Moments when I was just a little girl, laying my head on her chest listening to heart beat, hearing her voice talking. Things that as a mother you may not think your kids will remember about you by. No fancy dinners, no big birthday presents, no over the top Christmases, just her. Just the lull of her voice and the warmth of her heart. That’s what I think of. Though there are many feelings I am looking forward to someday leaving in the past, I hope many feelings will always stay with me. I am no longer rushing for ANYTHING! I wonder all the time, what I was ever rushing to before. Life goes fast, children grow up too quickly. Now I laugh, where was I going? Why was I ever in a hurry? Life has become right here, right now. Moments have become my treasures, my heaven on earth. I walk around at my mothers cemetery and it hits me again , life is fleeting. I read the head stones and realize, that one was only five, that one two, another sixteen, one gone at twenty. Each day is precious for all of us.
Anyhow, I am missing sharing here on the blog and connecting with you! Despite heart break, Luke continues to make progress. It has been hard for him to sit still and focus at therapy. He figures out ways to be silly and tries to find ways to avoid things that are difficult. I praise his awesome SLP for helping him and always thinking outside the box. Megan plans things out so he can do activities that allow him to get out of his seat. Last week she hid cards all over the room and Luke had to find them. He thought this was so fun. When he found the cards he would bring them over to her, after he practiced his words, he got to look for more. They have also had fun playing minute golf and Elefun. He recently retested with the Kaufman Speech Praxis test. It was wonderful to just sit back and listen to him zip through sounds with such ease. We were able to video, so I hope to share it with you soon. Luke keeps us all laughing. He has a wonderful sense of humor. I am so grateful he can share what’s on his mind now. I’m going to sign off for now. The new picture in the top frame is my three loves signing “Jesus love me!” It’s a little hard to see. Lily is making the sign for “Jesus”, which is finger pointing to the middle of the palm. This represents the nails in Jesus hands. My Pres in the middle is the “LOVE”. Then there’s little Luke, “ME”. Here, I’ll put the full picture in so you can see it.
Lot’s of Love-Jen
