House of Krause

3/10/10

I sit here now next to my mother. It is quiet as can be. The only thing I hear is the ticking of the clock and the lull of the cars from the busy street behind her house. Every now and then I hear her breath. Her hair is almost completely gone now. I can see her scalp and a handful of tiny sparkles that remain from her surprise birthday party yesterday. In my heart I know it will be her last. Her skin is very pale. She is calm and peaceful for now.  I already feel the loss of the mother she once was….

I don’t know where to start. I’m not sure what stories I will ever be able to tell. From the time it all began, the feeling of shock and disbelief, learning of her cancer. Trips in and out of the hospital. Her bravery, her courage. Arriving at the cancer hospital early in the morning. Watching the rush of every kind of person. Young, old, and all ages in between. Every race and every personality, cancer leaves no one behind. Leaving the hospital late at night, when there wasn’t a soul to be found. All gone home. Done with their fight for the day. The once bubbling fountain turned off for the night. A peaceful eerie quiet, knowing tomorrow the people will be back fighting for another day. How quickly this all happened. A few weeks ago my mother was walking, she could run if she tried . Now we push her in a wheelchair. We bathe her. We feed her, the one or two bites she can stomach.  It’s so hard to believe. I’ve hung on every word she’s said. I’ve laughed with her until I cried. I’ve made promises. I’ve asked for forgiveness. I’ve said everything I could, but know it will never be enough. Everyday I think this has got to be the hardest day. Honestly I know the day that will be…

3/21/10

Unfortunately six days after I wrote, my mother passed.  Tuesday the 16th of March, two hours before her 66 birthday she was gone. I had the honor of being with her during her final moments. I am so stricken with grief, it’s indescribable.  I want to talk about her constantly.  I can’t get her off my mind for a second. To the point I feel I might go insane. I dream of her all night long. I picture her face. I hear her voice. She meant so many things to me. She was my mother, my supporter, my confidant, my best friend. Finding my life with out her in it seems impossible.

Anyone who ever knew my mother loved her. She was a person unlike any other. She had a heart of gold, and she wore it right on her sleeve. She had a warmth and a way to bring you right in. She was like something warm when the night was cold. She never had a bad mood in her life. Never raised her voice. Loved everyone. She was someone who cared for the hurting. She never hesitated help the homeless.  She always found a way to invite you in, make you feel special. Her spirit was in one accord with Christ. She did not judge. She did not point out weakness. Instead she prayed. She had a true spirit of understanding. Understanding that people are only human. We all fail. We all make mistakes. She loved you even more then. Always gave a shoulder to cry on, and an ear that would listen. She had a zest for life. She found wonder in Gods creation.  She marveled in the beauty of flowers.  She was amazed with Gods intricate designs and endless creations. She would say, wow Jen, look at that, isn’t it awesome what God has done!

Yes, It is amazing what God had done, she was really something!

Tomorrow I will say goodbye to the one who brought me into this world. Gave me life. Gave me a name. Taught me what it meant to be a mother. This will be the hardest day of my life. My mom asked me to keep many promises. One of them was to continue reaching out, and I will.  I am asking for prayer in the weeks ahead for my family…

In His Glory Shine Mama!

I will find you in everything beautiful. I’ll miss you everyday. I will love you forever…

Your baby,

Jenny

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 21st, 2010 at 9:30 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.