A Ribbon Is Just a Ribbon
It’s hard to describe the pain that I am feeling. It’s like a nightmare. Everyday I wake up and think it was just a bad dream, only to realize the pain and anguish is still there. After last weeks tests we got word from the doctor. My mother has stage four lung cancer. The cancer has now taken over her entire right lung and has spread to the center of her chest (sternum), now it is infiltrating her left lung. It has spread to her pelvis and possibly her bones. She is having a bone scan done today. Her illness is incurable. She has decided to still undergo chemotherapy to hopefully reduce her coughing and allow her to breathe easier. She has also volunteered at the City of Hope for an experimental treatment.
Seems these days there are ribbons for everything. They come in every possible color. Honestly, it is impossible for them to have much meaning to you until they pin one on you. They give you your color and then you know this is what you are facing. This is the road you will travel on. This is the ribbon for your mother’s cancer. Lung cancer is pearl. So fitting for a women who is the self proclaimed Queen! The feeling is so overwhelming. It is a feeling that hits you so hard, it feels as though your legs will collapse right under you and your body will drop to the floor.
As always my mom remains a great source of strength to me. Amazing when she is the one who is sick. She is certain that God has a perfect plan in mind for her life. She puts all of her trust and complete faith in Him. Despite her weakness she remains so strong!
I think back to all the hours my mom and I spent driving Luke to speech therapy. Sometimes we talked ourselves silly. I complained about the long drive. I find myself wishing the drive had been longer. I find myself lingering in moments. I find myself rushing for nothing. I find myself hugging longer and holding tighter. At the same time I find myself angry. I find myself distant. I find nothing to be funny. I find myself questioning everything and unable to come up with a single answer. I find myself wondering how I will ever be able to deal with this. I once again find myself in a place I have never been before. Again I am asking God, Why here??
February 15th, 2010 at 10:52 pm
jen, i read this tonight and you write with such emotion and i love it!! i love your insight on the ribbons… i remember first seeing the ribbon color for my brother….i was in shock at what it ment to me and how now i look on web sights to combat lymphoma…. i even went as far as getting a shirt that simple states “cancer sucks”… cancer really does suck, and it is heartbreaking to see your love one fight with determination to kick cancers butt! i cant say oh i feel your pain, as we all have individual feelings when tragedys happen, but i can say your description of your legs giving way and your falling to the floor is a great example of what it feels like to here the dreaded words…its crazy to me that you and i met on this journey when we were just 9 yrs. old, kids… carefree so to speak… now after many obsticles you and i are back in each other lives not as kids but as adults carrying the stresses of the world on our shoulders!!! i know when i lost freddie, contacting you was the natural thing to do… it felt like home to share with you my deep saddness and loss… now as the tables are turned, my heart aches again… for you my best friend… for your mom…for your family…i love you jen, always have and always will… you are a jewel!!!
February 16th, 2010 at 3:37 am
Jen, I can’t even begin to understand the pain that you are feeling. Please know that God can handle all of the quesitoning, the anger and whatever else you throw at him. He expects it. I can’t offer you any words of wisdom or even begin to offer any advice on this matter. I can offer you a hand to hold if you need it, and an ear to listen whenever you need to speak. You are in my prayers right now and I continue to ask God to provide you with the strength you will need to face the coming days, weeks, months, years. You will get through this- one day at a time, and know that you will be surrounded by love every step of the way!
February 16th, 2010 at 6:32 pm
My dear friend, I am so sorry that you are having to endure this, and that your mom has such a tough road ahead. I don’t pretend to understand your sadness, hurt and anger, but know this my friend…..you have people surrounding you that love you so much, and they understand that you are hurting. They want to be there to help you, and if that means they just say that they are thinking about you and love you, then take it! Take it all. Take every last bit of support, love and friendship that you can grab onto. Store it up inside of you, and when you are feeling at your lowest, remember how many people love you and are there to help you through this. And lean on your family and friends when you need them, it is their job to help you when you need it most!
And remember how overwhelming life seemed at one point with your son….remember how you didn’t know how you could possibly survive through this, you wondered how you could possibly cope with it…now think about how amazingly you have handled everything, managed to not only cope, but to achieve great things along the way and share your strength with so many people to help them with their own struggles….consider how that applies to this great obstacle in your life too. God won’t give you more than you can handle my friend. Find strength in your Mom’s amazing strength. Enjoy your time with her and make every moment a beautiful one to remember. Don’t waste this time sad and angry that this isn’t fair. Of course it isn’t, it can’t possibly be fair. But sadly, sometimes this is the hand you are dealt. I know you have it in you to get through this. I have seen an amazing strength since the day I met you.
The best advice I have received recently is to just take things one day at a time. And sometimes, it has to be one hour at a time, but just take things as they come. Don’t expect to be super-woman! My mom said to me a few weeks ago to “take pleasure in the rain, for it is the rain that makes things grow.” Find beautiful moments and wonderful memories in this difficult time. It won’t rain forever.
Love you friend,
Jaq
February 18th, 2010 at 6:55 am
Jen Luv -
May we also wear a ribbon in support of your Mama? As her faith and love of God shine through, please let her know that each day we are honored to pray for such a strong, loving woman.
Love Always,
Aunt Paula and Uncle Bob
February 19th, 2010 at 11:14 pm
Jen my dear daughter-my arms are around you and your family. You are a remarkable women, how proud your Mom is of you. We are here for all of you-we are family.
Love, Connie
February 21st, 2010 at 6:16 pm
Oh Jen My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry. I will pray for you and your family.
If I can be of any help, please do not hesitate to call me. Love, Candy