House of Krause

It’s hard to describe the pain that I am feeling. It’s like a nightmare. Everyday I wake up and think it was just a bad dream, only to realize the pain and anguish is still there. After last weeks tests we got word from the doctor. My mother has stage four lung cancer. The cancer has now taken over her entire right lung and has spread to the center of her chest (sternum), now it is infiltrating her left lung.  It has spread to her pelvis and possibly her bones. She is having a bone scan done today. Her illness is incurable. She has decided to still undergo chemotherapy to hopefully reduce her coughing and allow her to breathe easier. She has also volunteered at the City of Hope for an experimental treatment.

Seems these days there are ribbons for everything.  They come in every possible color. Honestly, it is impossible for them to have much meaning to you until they pin one on you. They give you your color and then you know this is what you are facing. This is the road you will travel on. This is the ribbon for your mother’s cancer.  Lung cancer is pearl. So fitting for a women who is the self proclaimed Queen! The feeling is so overwhelming. It is a feeling that hits you so hard, it feels as though your legs will collapse right under you and your body will drop to the floor.

As always my mom remains a great source of strength to me. Amazing when she is the one who is sick. She is certain that God has a perfect plan in mind for her life. She puts all of her trust and complete faith in Him.  Despite her weakness she remains so strong!

I think back to all the hours my mom and I spent driving Luke to speech therapy. Sometimes we talked ourselves silly. I complained about the long drive. I find myself wishing the drive had been longer. I find myself lingering in moments. I find myself rushing for nothing. I find myself hugging longer and holding tighter. At the same time I find myself angry. I find myself distant. I find nothing to be funny.  I find myself questioning everything and unable to come up with a single answer.  I find myself wondering how I will ever be able to deal with this. I once again find myself in a place I have never been before.  Again I am asking God, Why here??